When the Seattle International Comedy Competition is happening, why not house a comedy refugee, show her one of the greatest stoner films of all time, and offer her such incredible sustenance as a sparkling Cannabis Quencher by Evergreen Herbal? I tried it, I survived, I thrived, and am here to tell the tale of cannabis in the form of a delectable sparkling beverage.
As a former stand up comedian, I can say, there are few communities more appreciative of cannabis and its therapeutic qualities. Most of the comedians I know seem to float on a cloud of pot smoke and dick jokes. I find few combinations more charming, so I offered to host a comedian traveling from Utah to perform at the Seattle International Comedy Competition. Before she arrived, she messaged me to ask if I “smoked green,” and I responded with “Do I! But I have something even better!”
As she dropped her bags, I showed her the holy grail of cannabis infused refreshments — A 6 oz. glass bottle of Evergreen Herbal’s Pomegranate, Blueberry + Acai Cannabis Quencher. At only $18 from Uncle Ike’s Pot Shop on E Union in Seattle, this was a steal.
Each bottle of Cannabis Quencher Sparkling is infused with 30mg of active THC, the psychoactive cannabinoid responsible for producing the euphoric feeling most often described as being high. Though the bottle’s branding is classy, yet simple and clearly labeled, it still reminded me of the wine cooler my “cool” uncle let me take a sip of back in 1995.
You can even pour this tasty quencher into the handy-dandy lid that converts into a tall shot glass after opening, which simplifies the act of dosing. The three servings per bottle were easy to measure and share with a friend, as we quickly found out.
This sparkling beverage did not disappoint with its balance of sweet and sour. It could probably pass as a non-infused soda in a blind tasting, with only a slight hint of cannabis in the aftertaste. Most of the cannabis flavor settles at the bottom of the bottle, so a light tip upside down before you pop off the cap will help to evenly mix the infusion. The carbonation is light and jolly. We split the bottle and eagerly guzzled our half while deciding which movie to watch.
“Have you ever seen Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas?” I asked her. “No, what’s that?” she replied. Astonished, I gave a brief history of one of the most prolific and debaucherous writers in American history, Hunter S. Thompson and his quest for the “American Dream.” “It’s a movie about driving into Las vegas with a suitcase full of drugs,” I said, and immediately my guest was on board. We put in the VHS tape (yes, VHS tape) and laid back, not sure what to expect after drinking our Cannabis Quencher only a few minutes before. We checked in with each other after about 20 minutes, just as the film descended into a hedonistic whirlwind, and a slight warming sensation was creeping in on us both.
Not long after, my cousin walked into the living room with three bags full of the unsold baked goods from the cafe at which she works (big thanks to the gentleman cafe employee who over ordered that week). My guest and I scoured through the 3 bags full of cake pops, deli sandwiches, muffins, cookies, cheese & crackers, and yogurt parfaits until I had a coffee table, fridge, and freezer full to the brim. I have never been so prepared for the munchies. At this point, about 45 minutes post Cannabis Quencher consumption, Hunter S. Thompson and his lawyer had turned their Las Vegas hotel room into a bizarre, swamp-like drug den, while we were making out with our snacks.
Half of the Pomegranate, Blueberry + Acai Cannabis Quencher (15 mg THC) left me feeling uplifted with light and dreamy body sensations. Although I was feeling the full effects just after an hour, I was still able to be social, which is a big win for me. My eyes and mouth didn’t feel dry, and I don’t think anyone would have even known I was high because it was such a mellow and evenly balanced experience.
I would recommend the Pomegranate, Blueberry + Acai Cannabis Quencher by Evergreen Herbal to anyone who loves wine coolers, antioxidants, deviant American journalists, day old baked goods, and hilarious good times with friends. The effects I experienced were very light and manageable, so you might be able to get away with drinking one of these before presenting an inaugural address, or ideally, reporting on a motorcycle tournament in the dusty Las Vegas desert. After all, this is America, the land of freedom, so take a swig and don’t look back.
My favorite time of year is finally here! When the bounty of black in my closet becomes an asset and my bright red lipstick can be considered costume chic. I’m ready to get spooky, and there is no more frightening good time than to devour a cannabis brownie and go see a 35mm screening of the 1984 Wes Craven classic, Nightmare on Elm Street.
I purchased a two pack of Zoots Caramel Espresso brownies known as “Zootbites” at my local recreational dispensary, Bud Nation Seattle. The beige colored package reminded me of a regular candy bar and was a perfectly portable size to carry in my purse. When I opened the package, each brownie was individually vacuumed sealed to stay fresh and delicious. The brownies themselves didn’t look glamorous or decadent, just mini cupcake sized rounds of what looked to be dense chocolaty goodness.
As I bit into the brownie, I was pleasantly surprised that the espresso flavor was not overpowering, and the subtle caramel and chocolate flavors really came through. The outside of the brownie was perfectly crisp and toothsome, while the center remained soft and moist, similar to a lava cake without the lava. I admit it was difficult to hold fast to my initial decision to eat just a half, but somehow I managed to restrain myself. I would have happily eaten both brownies, they were so tasty!
Joined by a few of my friends, we grabbed a bite to eat before heading over to the Grand Illusion. I had eaten my brownie a half an hour or so ahead of time so I had time to ease into the sensations. My body felt warm and relaxed, and my mind was amused by anything and everything around me. I had the giggles something furious. I remember we were talking about how Adam Duritz, the lead singer of Counting Crows, had at one time dated every leading actress from the tv series “Friends,” and I said “Talk about Friends with benefits, am I right?” and laughed for a million years. Thanks for the confidence, Zoots!
As we settled into the ruby red seats of the Grand Illusion, I was filled with anticipation. As the movie began, with the crackle of old 35mm film, I felt completely at home. The campy 80’s tomfoolery and cheesy lines had me guffawing like a giddy child.
How can you not laugh at the alcoholic mother, with her distracting brown lip liner, basically making out with a bottle of gin the whole movie? Or at Freddy’s slithering tongue springing out of a spiral-cord phone? The bounty of cheesy lines made the audience erupt in laughter and Freddy’s gory predation had many squirming and screaming. This was such a fun movie to watch in a jovial local crowd and with such a floaty and euphoric body high.
The Zootbites made me feel ultra relaxed, super joyful, and able to enjoy this film without feeling any anxiety or fear. Granted, I already love and enjoy horror movies, but there was something magical about anticipating gratuitous death scenes with such glee. I was really on cloud nine for this entire movie, to be honest. My excitement was so palpable Johnny Depp’s cheekbones could cut it into two!
I would definitely recommend Zootbites to anyone who wants a portable treat to bring to a hangout or event. Half a brownie before the movie gave me an even and steady euphoria for the entire film that amplified my enjoyment of the movie and of those around me. I will be purchasing these again!
What do you get when you cross a Turquoise Jeep with a Golden Pineapple? A bunch of ladies dry humping each other on stage, hippies liquid dancing, and a super entertaining Wednesday night.
Earlier in the week I had picked up a Phat Panda Golden Pineapple pre-roll from Uncle Ike’s Pot Shop in Seattle and was really excited to try the strain I’ve seen everyone raving about on MassRoots. The pre-roll came in its own plastic, resealable capsule, with a cute label covered in tiny yellow pineapples. The joint inside looked much thicker than I expected. The knowledgeable budtender told me that it was sativa dominant strain crossed from Golden Goat and Pineapple Kush, so I decided it would be the perfect addition to an evening watching a bunch of dudes shake their asses at a concert.
If you haven’t heard of the sultry R&B phenomenon known as Turquoise Jeep, your bedroom and dance moves are likely suffering the consequences. For there is no greater talent than the superb R&B parody group, Turquoise Jeep. Their Youtube channel has over 32 thousand followers, yet somehow I was the only one waiting outside the Tractor Tavern on a Wednesday night to try and slip them my number.
Not normally a smoker, I quickly learned how awkward I am when tasked with figuring out the science of smoking a pre-roll. The joint was so fat at the end, packed a bit loosely, so when attempting to light it, I ended up brutishly charring and burning one entire side off. Somehow I still managed to take a few puffs while daydreaming of Flynt Flossy’s gyrating hips and Yung Humma’s bulging biceps. My arms and legs began to tingle, and I imagined what it would be like if Golden Pineapple had a fairytale-like power to transform an awkward white girl into a captivating back-up dancer. (Spoiler alert: It does NOT have that power, but it does have the power to make you inhale a large chicken Caesar salad at a bar with a taxidermy raccoon flipping you the middle finger. User experiences may vary.)
After I’d satisfied my munchies, I returned to the Tractor, and was now one of eight people waiting for the doors to open. I was a little worried that Turquoise Jeep might be under-appreciated by the pasty Pacific Northwest crowds, but hoped for the best. As we entered The Tractor Tavern and got our hands stamped, I saw a group of four gangly IT guys each taking selfies of themselves just standing nonchalantly in the middle of a mostly empty room, perhaps to prove to the internet they knew how to leave the house. The opening DJ, DJ Indica Jones, was a forty something silver haired white guy in a backwards baseball hat, blasting irresistible old school R&B and gangster rap and blowing my mind in the process. He seemed possessed by an innate joy fueled by old school jams that spilled through his body and made his feet frolic friskily across the stage. Slowly, what was a trickle of stoic incomers turned into a swelling flood of amped party animals and I knew that Seattle had come through to witness the Jeepening.
One side of the room was littered with men who appeared to be awaiting their internet dates, at what is indisputably the ideal venue to get to know someone, a deafeningly loud R&B concert. The back of the dance floor looked like a Bellevue high school had just let out for dry-hump rehearsal, a lone hippie in yellow linen pants liquid danced in the middle of the dance floor like it was totally normal, and every single person with a smart phone filmed their friend throwing signs and mimicking a rap video like they were the only one who’d thought of it. Their hands flew up and down feverishly to the booming beat of 90’s dance hits and nobody for a minute suspected that a super stoned redhead was writing an article about them.
As Dj Indica Jones concluded his set, my brain was clearly awash in pineapple foam and all I could do was scan the crowd and dissect human behavior like a night club anthropologist. As if summoned by pure will power, a local boy band parody group, All4Doras, must have teleported onto the stage, because suddenly all 5 of them are there, and dancing, and I cannot tell where the hell they even came from. Their matching costumes, excessive hair gel, and 90’s choreography transfix me and my jaw swings agape. Their sultry boy band nostalgia produce a wave of shrill cries from ladies all across the dance floor as they cover hit singles by The Backstreet Boys, N Sync, and whoever the hell else. Their choreography looks like they’re trying to weave exotic textiles with their bodies. Suddenly I am laughing so hard that I have to put my hand over my mouth and pretend like it is a dance move. The lady standing beside me thinks I am having the time of my life, says she knows the band, and later introduces me to one of them while I pretend to be thrilled and not high.
As if the night can’t get any weirder, Turquoise Jeep suddenly appear, and it is as if a divine prophet has come to save an ocean of his grinding followers. Flynt Flossy slides onto the stage with lyrics like a velvet hand towel, and all the ladies erupt in fugue and try to climb over each other to prove their devotion. I’m so overwhelmed with adoration for their glued on facial hair, dark sunglasses in a dark room, and diverse lyrical sexual innuendo, that I feel a bit faint. I check my phone and to see it’s already 11:30pm and realize I’m not faint I’m just exhausted. My head is a dissolving into drum and bass and the bouncing of a sea of asses. They seem to be hypnotizing me and winding me down toward slumber. The last note I made on my phone is: “Headed home at 11:30 because I hate fun.”
My experience with Golden Pineapple was notably epic. The soothing body high and cerebral stimulation made a social event intensely captivating and thought-provoking. The Pineapple/Jeep combination did not disappoint, and I would definitely recommend Golden Pineapple pre-rolls as an easily transportable option to relax and enjoy a social event in your very near future.
Do yourself a favor, enjoy a Phat Panda Golden Pineapple pre-roll and watch the Turquoise Jeep video below.
After 40 hours of staring into a monitor, and another 40 chasing a rampant toddler, my Friday nights are a welcome opportunity to celebrate sloth. With a bounty of options at my disposal in the greater Seattle area, I decided to try something new to accompany my relaxing evening in – Legal Sparkling Rainier Cherry Tonic (cannabis infused beverage) by Mirth Provisions.
Mirth Provisions offers 3 sparkling “tonics” that feature 3 unique blends of cannabis strains for every occasion. The Rainier Cherry flavor is infused with a hybrid strain, so I treated myself, and picked one up with the intention of winding down into Friday evening at my friend’s house.
Each 11.5oz bottle of Legal tonic has 20mg of infused cannabis, and since I’m a lightweight, I rationed myself a fourth of the bottle to ease and not nosedive into the weekend. I popped the lid off of the stylish glass bottle and poured the bubbling burgundy tonic into a tumbler.
As I took a whiff, I detected no trace of cannabis on the nose, just a lush cherry aroma. The first sip tasted a lot like sweet, syrupy cherries, and each subsequent sip tasted a bit more like prunes. The carbonation helped to lighten the thick consistency but didn’t last, and as the bubbles dissipated, the tonic settled into what my grandma could fortuitously mistake for a glass of cherry prune juice. However pruney, I was impressed by the lack of cannabis taste, except a faint aftertaste, and it was still delicious.
I drank a fourth of the bottle about as quickly as I would finish my son’s juice box, with equal gusto.
My friend and I eased back onto the couch, as he promised to show me a comedy special that would leave me in stitches. His daughter spun on her golden aerial yoga drapes hanging from their living room ceiling, and the night seemed full with the potential for something bizarre and awesome.
As the comedy began, I felt warm waves rolling over me and the desire to become one with the couch. The comedian traipsing back and forth across the television left me unmoved and staring blankly. My brain hypothesized the unfortunate chain of events that would lead a man to fill 45 minutes with comedy misfires. I managed to write a note to myself: “Even cannabis soda cannot save the terminally unfunny.”
While amused by my inner monologue, my friend sent his daughter that Rick Astley music video which she referred to as “Rick-n-Roll.” I laughed for a solid 60 seconds imagining a sushi restaurant that serves “Rick Rolls” and plays Never Gonna Give You Up on a loop. The tonic had finally seeped into my funny bone.
As the evening devolved into laughter, I reviewed the course of my evening. I drank my tonic at 7:55pm, felt the “urge to merge” at 8:11pm, and by 8:45pm was so close to spooning the couch that I said my goodbyes and made my way back to my siren bed. My fleece cheetah print blanket felt like satin sheets, and I was in bed on the brink of blissful sleep by 10pm. Although the experience will be different for every person, I would recommend the Rainier Cherry Legal tonic for an easy-going night that accommodated sleepiness.
The warm body high heightened my physical sensation and gave me the urge to nest and cuddle. This would be a great beverage to share with a partner or a great way to relax after a hard day’s work.
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