Originally Published: January 20th, 2015.
The D.A.R.E mentality still governs much of this nation. Invisible party and state lines prevent many cannabis enthusiasts from visiting their newly retired folks in more temperate climates. We have a serious problem… Colorado nights get cold this time of year.
The amount of stress one encounters when traveling is directly proportional to the amount of jail time threatened should Johnny Law start getting nosey and catch a whiff of that good-good. Unfashionable attitudes towards cannabis make the traveler vulnerable on the road. I shudder to think how Billy the Kid, Captain America or George Hanson might consider the current state of the nation.
Many people traversing this country refuse to do so without cannabis. Vape pens are inconspicuous and a suitable travel companion for the indiscriminate. Edibles are even more undiscerning. When I travel I prefer to smoke joints, and I do so knowing the ramifications of my actions.
Probable cause comes into play when the aroma of your stash is too pungent. If you are pulled over in Oklahoma with a couple of ounces of dank, the only thing preventing your emergency contact from being notified are some eye drops, a prevailing wind and your ability to not freak out.
With the contraband safely hidden out of site, in a container that supposedly solves the problem of keeping the contents fresh and odorless, there is little to worry about. This Jabroni pulling you over is clueless, he’s politely issuing a warning. Who knew it was illegal to drive past a stationary emergency vehicle without switching lanes?
A short trial and many long nights will follow if you are unable to keep a level head. In the face of certain incarceration it is easy to forget that just over yonder, where you purchased the medicine currently under your seat, it is legal for anyone 21 and over to obtain and possess. Sponge the sweat from your brow and repeat after me “Jerry, just remember. It’s not a lie if you believe it”.
Stay out of Oklahoma. Missouri and Arkansas too, come to think of it, the Big 12 and SEC are off limits. If you’ve got to travel, think Pac-12. And stay off the roads; it’s not safe. Fly the friendly skies instead.
Make no mistake; flying with cannabis is illegal. But the ever-present threat of shoe bombers and hijackers has left the gates wide open for the hippies and freaks to stroll right in. And we have places to be.
There is a cavalier attitude that one must claim when deciding to bring marijuana on an airplane. Should you be found out, TSA might have a field day with your cavities. Guess what? They don’t care about your personal amounts of weed. They’re not looking for it. They will literally let an ounce of Sour Diesel through the x-ray machine and onto any DOMESTIC flight, given the opportunity.
Before 9/11, before the invasion of the body scanners and before Alaska, Colorado, Oregon, Washington and the District of Columbia voters affirmed that they wanted cannabis to be legal, only the boldest and brashest cannabis consumers would consider holding at the the airport. Employing various methods of concealment, these first ascenders brought personal use amounts of cannabis with them to bachelor(ette) parties, business trips, family vacations and funerals.
Cornholing, The Double Tighty-Whitey Method and Socking It are all Hall of Fame stunts but they lack decorum and they’re obsolete. Too many variables leave the traveler open to criticisms from the dopey TSA agent counting the seconds until they can burn one down in the employee parking lot before the long drive home. Deceptive practices like this are no longer necessary in locations with more progressive views on cannabis’ place in society.
When flying the first rule is, give yourself plenty of time. It cannot be stressed enough. You’ll need at least an extra thirty or forty minutes to get as stoned as possible before making way to the terminals; it will be a long day. Blunts, bongs, bowls—just do what you do and do it good. If you’re into eating edibles, make sure you do so right before you get to the airport as it can take some time before you fully feel the effects.
Before departing, place as much coarsely ground cannabis as you’re willing to bear in your carry-on luggage. No need to get fancy, place the baggie in your glasses case and remember some papers. The future is bright, put on your shades. Now just go about your business.
Those drug-sniffing dogs that you might occasionally, but don’t really ever see aren’t drug-sniffing dogs at all. They’re bomb-sniffing dogs. It’s unlikely that they have been cross-trained. The drug-sniffing dogs are in the international terminal, but we’re flying DOMESTIC. Remember?
Sashay your pretty little self through security like you’ve done it a hundred times before. Collect your personal effects and baggage, wipe the Cheshire Cat grin of your face and proceed to the nearest restroom to roll a number to be sparked after safely arriving at your final destination.
The drunks slobbering around the many airport bars loading up before take off are reason enough to justify what you are doing. It may be prohibited, but it’s not wrong. If news ever breaks of a plane being grounded due to a contemptible, disrespectful and uncontrollable passenger too blazed for airspace, maybe cannabis will become available on planes too.