Phat Panda Golden Pineapple Review

Phat Panda Golden Pineapple Review

What do you get when you cross a Turquoise Jeep with a Golden Pineapple? A bunch of ladies dry humping each other on stage, hippies liquid dancing, and a super entertaining Wednesday night.

Earlier in the week I had picked up a Phat Panda Golden Pineapple pre-roll from Uncle Ike’s Pot Shop in Seattle and was really excited to try the strain I’ve seen everyone raving about on MassRoots. The pre-roll came in its own plastic, resealable capsule, with a cute label covered in tiny yellow pineapples. The joint inside looked much thicker than I expected. The knowledgeable budtender told me that it was sativa dominant strain crossed from Golden Goat and Pineapple Kush, so I decided it would be the perfect addition to an evening watching a bunch of dudes shake their asses at a concert.

If you haven’t heard of the sultry R&B phenomenon known as Turquoise Jeep, your bedroom and dance moves are likely suffering the consequences. For there is no greater talent than the superb R&B parody group, Turquoise Jeep. Their Youtube channel has over 32 thousand followers, yet somehow I was the only one waiting outside the Tractor Tavern on a Wednesday night to try and slip them my number.

phat panda golden pineapple review

Not normally a smoker, I quickly learned how awkward I am when tasked with figuring out the science of smoking a pre-roll. The joint was so fat at the end, packed a bit loosely, so when attempting to light it, I ended up brutishly charring and burning one entire side off. Somehow I still managed to take a few puffs while daydreaming of Flynt Flossy’s gyrating hips and Yung Humma’s bulging biceps. My arms and legs began to tingle, and I imagined what it would be like if Golden Pineapple had a fairytale-like power to transform an awkward white girl into a captivating back-up dancer. (Spoiler alert: It does NOT have that power, but it does have the power to make you inhale a large chicken Caesar salad at a bar with a taxidermy raccoon flipping you the middle finger. User experiences may vary.)

After I’d satisfied my munchies, I returned to the Tractor, and was now one of eight people waiting for the doors to open. I was a little worried that Turquoise Jeep might be under-appreciated by the pasty Pacific Northwest crowds, but hoped for the best. As we entered The Tractor Tavern and got our hands stamped, I saw a group of four gangly IT guys each taking selfies of themselves just standing nonchalantly in the middle of a mostly empty room, perhaps to prove to the internet they knew how to leave the house. The opening DJ, DJ Indica Jones, was a forty something silver haired white guy in a backwards baseball hat, blasting irresistible old school R&B and gangster rap and blowing my mind in the process. He seemed possessed by an innate joy fueled by old school jams that spilled through his body and made his feet frolic friskily across the stage. Slowly, what was a trickle of stoic incomers turned into a swelling flood of amped party animals and I knew that Seattle had come through to witness the Jeepening.

One side of the room was littered with men who appeared to be awaiting their internet dates, at what is indisputably the ideal venue to get to know someone, a deafeningly loud R&B concert. The back of the dance floor looked like a Bellevue high school had just let out for dry-hump rehearsal, a lone hippie in yellow linen pants liquid danced in the middle of the dance floor like it was totally normal, and every single person with a smart phone filmed their friend throwing signs and mimicking a rap video like they were the only one who’d thought of it. Their hands flew up and down feverishly to the booming beat of 90’s dance hits and nobody for a minute suspected that a super stoned redhead was writing an article about them.

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As Dj Indica Jones concluded his set, my brain was clearly awash in pineapple foam and all I could do was scan the crowd and dissect human behavior like a night club anthropologist. As if summoned by pure will power, a local boy band parody group, All4Doras, must have teleported onto the stage, because suddenly all 5 of them are there, and dancing, and I cannot tell where the hell they even came from. Their matching costumes, excessive hair gel, and 90’s choreography transfix me and my jaw swings agape. Their sultry boy band nostalgia produce a wave of shrill cries from ladies all across the dance floor as they cover hit singles by The Backstreet Boys, N Sync, and whoever the hell else. Their choreography looks like they’re trying to weave exotic textiles with their bodies. Suddenly I am laughing so hard that I have to put my hand over my mouth and pretend like it is a dance move. The lady standing beside me thinks I am having the time of my life, says she knows the band, and later introduces me to one of them while I pretend to be thrilled and not high.

As if the night can’t get any weirder, Turquoise Jeep suddenly appear, and it is as if a divine prophet has come to save an ocean of his grinding followers. Flynt Flossy slides onto the stage with lyrics like a velvet hand towel, and all the ladies erupt in fugue and try to climb over each other to prove their devotion. I’m so overwhelmed with adoration for their glued on facial hair, dark sunglasses in a dark room, and diverse lyrical sexual innuendo, that I feel a bit faint. I check my phone and to see it’s already 11:30pm and realize I’m not faint I’m just exhausted. My head is a dissolving into drum and bass and the bouncing of a sea of asses. They seem to be hypnotizing me and winding me down toward slumber. The last note I made on my phone is: “Headed home at 11:30 because I hate fun.”

My experience with Golden Pineapple was notably epic. The soothing body high and cerebral stimulation made a social event intensely captivating and thought-provoking. The Pineapple/Jeep combination did not disappoint, and I would definitely recommend Golden Pineapple pre-rolls as an easily transportable option to relax and enjoy a social event in your very near future.

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Do yourself a favor, enjoy a Phat Panda Golden Pineapple pre-roll and watch the Turquoise Jeep video below.

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